Quotation Excerpts With Liaos

Jieh: Amei, how are you?

Mom: How is your post partum blue? (Amei has never borne children)

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Mei: So I decided to pay for everyone…

Jieh: That’s really nice…

Mom: So who pay?

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Mom: You know my friend is so sad. Her car broke down; her mom is in the hospital; her dad is dying; and her son just graduated from middle school.

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Jieh: We haven’t heard from Daddy.

Mom: A-ba! Come here!

Jieh: Oh my gosh, he left?

Dad: Well, you were all just talking “blah, blah, blah…”

Jieh: Oh man, we were not just talking “blah, blah, blah.”

Dad: Yea, you were talking about dresses and bra, bra, bra.

Mom: There’s this flower I really like…I went into the backyard and saw them! I say to A-ba, “Oh, we have them.” He say, “Ya.” You know how A-ba is good at stealing stuffs.

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Dad: Ok, Yellowstone, a day and a half.

Jieh: Is that enough?

Mom: Yea, I been there. It’s just looking at all those blowholes. Nothing special.

Mom: The thing is, go to school or not go to school, you are getting older.

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Mom: Yesterday, I was reading the, uh, 40-day purpose of life.

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Mom: You know, A-ba is a good student. Every time before he does something, he report to me. “Becky, I’m going to the bathroom.” “Becky, I’m taking a shower.” “Becky, I’m going to Home Depot.”

Jieh: Why does that make him a good student?

Mom: Because he always report to the teacher.

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Mom: You know why I am looking forward to be 60?

Amei and Jieh: You ARE 60.

Mom: No, I mean before. It was because I get the senior citizen’s discount!

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Mom: You know, the other day, I went to the garden…and I found a lot of slugs. Then I saw one big slug, big as a stone. And you know what A-ba say? “Oh, she’s pregnant.”

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Mom: You know our corn haven’t grown yet. I miss them. I haven’t seen them since Monday.

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Mom: Yan (Jieh)! Report! Our corn is knee-high. And the corn that we stole from Myanmar that we smuggle into the U.S. is shin-high.

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Dad: Think about this: I’m taking off in June. I’m taking off in July. I’m taking off in August. I’m taking  off in September.

Mom: That’s your own thing…

Dad: AND in December, we’re going to the Public…Public of China.

Mom: The Dominican Republic! (muttering) Public of China…

Jieh: Hello? Parents? Are you listening?

Mom: My ears is like an elephant ears.

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Mom: Opportunity…kills a cat.

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Amei: …so I slipped and my hip hit the soap-holder. So now I have this huge bruise on my hip, and my landlady doesn’t have a soap-holder.

Mom: Are you still friends?

Amei: Yea, the landlady even gave me salonpas.

Mom: Yes, always stay friends. Give yourself a chance for nan sheng (boys) to xi huan ni (like you).

Jieh and Amei: What?! What does that have to do…

Mom: Always be friends with nan sheng (boys). Give yourself a chance.

Jieh: Just go with it.

Amei: I was just confused by the change in topic.

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Mom: Mommy is always excited when boys like my kids. When girls like my son and boys like my daughters. When I hear this, I am in cloud nine…You are beautiful…You and A-Jieh have a big problem. You have my beauty and my fe-mee-NEE-nity; it’s just oozing.

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Mom: Boys always look at the outside. So it’s not fair for the girls who are pai kua (ugly) and nice. But boys are saw gua (foolish). They never think when a girl is 80, 90 years old, even shi jie xiao jie (Miss World) will be pai kua (ugly). They always think, “Can I show off this girl to my friends?”

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Mom: Only 32 days before I retire. I’m counting down the days…I can’t wait. I can’t wait because my baby corn is almost 9 inches tall.

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Dad: Amei, when you e-mail your friends who learned German, you can e-mail them in German.

Amei: I don’t e-mail them.

Jieh: You should volunteer at a German thingy. 

Amei: A German thingy?

Jieh: Yea, like a German school or a community center for German immigrants or a sausage maker.

Mom: Or Wienerschnitzel

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Mom: Dad talk about Tom Hanks last week in his sermon. His picture was on the screen because he want to talk about Forest Ham…ah…Forest Gum.

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Mom: You know what I’m doing? Next to Mizai’s dining room, there is a baby staircase, and I am hiding in the stairway and my head is under the stair.

Jieh: Why are you doing that?

Mom: Because Mizai want to let her lo (husband) come home to a regular house without so many people, so we are all hiding. Even Uncle Joe park his car far away, and we walk up the hill.

Dad: But the important thing is that he will hear you.

Jieh: Yea, see the loophole there?

Mom: (silence)

Amei: No, she doesn’t see the conflict.

Mom (in a chat to Jieh): The computer is slow, it takes a long time to have the hour glass to change to the arrow sign.

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Mom (in a chat to Jieh): Saw a slug on top of my cauliflower killed it with the cut of my scissors…Then I went to the organic garden, I saw 2 slugs on the baby cabbage, they face the same life execution like the first slug.

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Mom (in a chat to Jieh): Our multicolor corns are sprouting, but the chewy sweet corn kernels we smuggled from Myamar last year are still dormant, some so those corn kernels has holes, I bet dad did not check on the no hole kernels to plant, it might be dead. 

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Mom: It’s like Adi’s Pokemon cards. They’re sitting in my classroom. I hand them out for good behavior.

Jieh: But what happens if you run out?

Mom: Oh, don’t worry. [My students] are like wild monkeys. They rarely get them.

Mom: I got free Souplantation for my birthday! So we went to Souplantation.

Dad: Not free. Same price.

Jieh: How was it free but the same price?

Mom: It was free but you have to buy two drinks.

Dad: So…same price.

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Mom: (talking about her birthday) I really enjoy the Oh! Crab place, but I didn’t order crab.

Jieh: Why?

Mom: Because daddy say, “$12?! Tai gui le (too expensive).” So I did not order. I only order fries.

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Dad: (defensive about blowing Mom’s gift surprise) Hey, hey. I’m pretty good already, ok? Tuesday night, we treated your uncle and aunt to dinner. Then Wednesday night, I had to take mom out for Souplantation. Then Thursday night, we had crab.

Mom: But not craaaab!

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Mom: I always want a pomelo tree.

Jieh: Really? I’ve never heard you talk about your desire for a pomelo tree.

Mom: Well, I’m in the mood to plant things. So the pomelo tree was so expensive because it came from the plane from Taiwan.

Jieh: Isn’t that illegal?

Mom: Maybe nursery to nursery is ok. Anyway, you know how my favorite place is Universal Hilton? So Universal Hilton was cancel, and we bought the pomelo tree.

Mom: Why does Jeremy Lin need a manager? I was looking at the news; it say he has a manager.

Jieh: Well, everyone has an agent.

Mom: But isn’t he signed with NBC already?

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Mom: I am surprise…that I can cook so well.

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Mom: (to Jieh) Why don’t you be the leading lady? You know the director, right? Just tell him, “I want to be the leading lady.”

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Jieh: So I’m getting my physical tomorrow…do you know what they do to you when you get a mammogram?

Adi: I do.

Jieh: Why do you know, Adi?

Adi: Because I went with mom to get hers when I was in grade school…she made me sit outside and told me to read the pamphlet.

Mom: Are you guys hungry? Somebody just died. (hands us bakery box from funeral service)

Dad:…like today, I was holding a funeral service.

Mom: And he didn’t know those two.

Jieh: Which two?

Mom: The living and the dead.

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Mom: I told my principal that I’m retiring. She cry. She say, “I’m happy for you but sad for me. You are the best teacher we have.” (big smile)

Dad: And then her butt started growing a tail. Geeeeeee (sound effect of growing a tail)

Mei: What does that mean?

Mom: It means I’m feeling proud.

Mom: Yesterday, at prayer meeting, we had eight people praying that A-Jieh would get into UCI. So you have eight people praying for you.

Jieh: Wow, that’s a lot of support…

Mom: Yea, and Auntie Y and Uncle J are committed to praying for UCI and for you three’s life partner. We also committed to praying for T and J’s life partner. So now, we pray for five: you three plus them two. They also pray for five, but now they are plus three. So we have the better deal.

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[over the phone]

Mom: Hahaha, this guy…haha…he has all solar power and only one wind power. Oh, my “pi gu” (butt) is swelling.

Mei: Why is your pi gu swelling?

Mom: Because the road is so bumpy. Ok, I’ll tell you later about the Africa thingy.

Mei: (completely bewildered) O…k…